i think my tv is drunk
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Randomize
