You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My liver just broke up with me...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
