I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
