Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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