I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
