So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
