dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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