Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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