Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize