You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
