The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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