there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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