you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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