I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize