I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
