my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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