we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
