Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
