Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
