He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
