he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
