My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
