I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
