I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
