My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
