who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
