So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize