What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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