It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize