I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
