I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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