While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
That was an excessively violent trivia night
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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