i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
