i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
