I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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