My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize