Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize