im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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