i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
