I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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