He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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