i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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