apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
