You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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