Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize