I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
