dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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