when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
