so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
