Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
