she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
