Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
