i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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