he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
