I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
