i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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