I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
