Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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