A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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