we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
