my phone needs a breathalizer
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
sarcasm needs its own font
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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