I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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