Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
did i walk over a car last night?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
