At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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