I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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