Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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