I wish I could teleport
I CAN MOONWALK!
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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