Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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