do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
