I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
