I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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