You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
