You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize