a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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