how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Enjoy the penises
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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