i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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