If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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