he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
